Changes that affect our family lives are keenly felt at the holiday season. The loss of a child suddenly is present as the family Christmas card photo is sent; the child who is laughing and clowning around in the middle of picture surrounded by all his cousins is no longer there. A divorced father faces Hanukah without his children for the first time. A newly formed, blended family or young, married couple faces a sudden burst of tension as two family sets of traditions collide; which rituals do we keep and what do we need to create anew? A child suddenly bursts into tears as Christmas cookies are made and she remembers her grandmother who always baked them with her and who is now in a nursing home. Her mother is surprised and slightly upset because she made a special effort to bake the cookies with her daughter. Isn’t this good enough?
The specifics of these situations are different, but they are also the same. Each experience is about absence, the loss of a special person or way of being with many people that we have loved. A custom ended. A new routine hasn’t been created. The new ritual doesn’t feel the same.
Holidays, more than any other time of year, serve as a marker of time. Most of us can remember where we were last December, how our family celebrated Christmas, Hanukah and New Years Eve, and how we gathered with our parents and friend as children. Traditions are very important for the cementing and maintaining of families—and our memories. These memories are multisensory; smells of baking and evergreen trees, songs sung, the feel of a fresh packed snowball, the taste of candy canes, the luminous sight of candles burning are all evocative sensations that touch deep emotions. When these sensations and memories are put together with old, familiar ways of gathering in your family, deeply felt emotions surface sometimes even long after the loss has occurred. These sharp surges of sadness may catch you by surprise.
James E. Miller’s book, How Will I Get Through The Holidays?, outlines 12 strategies for coping with loss. He recommends the following:
- Accept the likelihood of your pain.
- Feel whatever it is you feel. This is a key concept. Feelings are not good or bad. They are just emotions. Anger, sadness, anxiety, guilt, depression and numbness are typical feelings associated with grieving. Practicing allowing the feelings to emerge, whatever they are, will allow you to heal from the loss more quickly. Different members of your family may experience these feelings at different times; everyone’s cycle through the stages of grief is slightly different. Be respectful of other’s feelings of loss as well.
- Express your emotions. Don’t keep all these feelings in your body. Talk, write, draw. You can encourage your children to do the same—and encourage them to play, to play out their stories of grief with dolls, toy soldiers, animals, clay, or legos…whatever they most enjoy.
- Plan ahead. Make a plan for the day before it arrives, and then follow through with it. Address ahead of time the following: what worries you most about the holidays? What do you need others who will be around you to understand? What can they do to help? Are there things they should not do? What can you do to reach out to others? Brainstorm with others, including children, about ways to celebrate this year. Be open to suggestions and new ideas.
- Take charge where you can—and be gentle with yourself where you can’t. Not every battle is worth fighting. Concentrate on what you can control: yourself. Get enough sleep. Exercise. Eat wisely. Watch the alcohol; it is a depressant. Choose activities that bring you joy. Get outside; nature has a calming effect on the psyche.
- Turn to others for support. Let others know what you need. Be direct. Often people want to help but don’t know how—or what to say and what not to talk about. Go to events, such as a movie, concert or holiday party, with others. Ask a friend to help put up a tree or decorate your home—and to help put things away after the holidays. Consider joining a support group related to your loss.
- Be gentle with yourself. Slow down. Allow yourself some “bad” days. Do things that have been relaxing to you in the past. Get a massage. Pamper yourself. Lower your expectations in terms of what you think you must accomplish. For example, skip mailing holiday cards for a year or shop from catalogues and avoid crowds. Look at what you did accomplish and appreciate each goal attained.
- Remember to remember. For those that have lost a loved one due to death, feeling linked to that special person may be very comforting. Wearing a piece of jewelry or using a personal object that belonged to your loved one, like a familiar fountain pen or favorite cooking spoon, may become gentle reminders. Other families find rituals at the table– lighting a candle of remembrance, a blessing before the meal or telling stories about the person you have lost–healing. You also may not feel like doing this at all…and that’s OK. Everyone’s path is different.
- Search out and count your blessings. Look at what is working in your life. At least once each day ask yourself what you are grateful for…the smallest things count and can bring you joy…and even laughter.
- Do something for others. Grief is very self-absorbing. Look beyond yourself and give some attention to others. Offer to help a neighbor or friend with driving, raking, shoveling snow, baking, cooking a meal, caring for a child…anything counts. Volunteer for a charity. This may put your loss in a bigger perspective. And you are also likely to feel appreciated and valued.
- Give voice to your soul. You will have profound questions about why this loss happened…about what your life means now…about how you want to spend the next part of your life. Questions about God or the lack of God may arise. Central questions about your belief system may emerge. Affiliating with a spiritual director, retreat center, 12-step program, prayer group or church may be especially helpful. Find a quiet time for daily reflection, meditation or journaling.
- Harbor hope. You will feel better with time. Next season’s holidays are likely to be a little less intense. In the meantime, when you feel most discouraged, reach out to a trusted friend or counselor who can have hope for you. Most people regain their interest in life. Many find that grieving makes them more, not less, connected to others…and to what is most important in life. New friendships emerge and old relationships may deepen. You will become more fully yourself.
Finally, do not weather holiday blues alone. Fight inclinations to isolate and withdraw.
Therapy, participation in a hospice support group or joining a divorce recovery program can provide support as you navigate this journey. If your grief response intensifies, persists into the New Year, or hinders your ability to complete your usual routine more often than not, you may benefit from contact with a counselor or physician.