Opposites attract. No matter how much we may have in common, or how compatible we are, it is still true that nature ensures that we pick a partner who is genetically different from us. He likes the window open; she wants it shut. She’s most productive in the early morning; he’s a “night person”. Is it any wonder that we will also encounter differences in our wants and needs related to sex? And, of course, we all know that men and women are different just because of gender (some would say different species, but it is not so!)
It’s pretty common knowledge that men are in general more goal-directed than women, and that women are in general more focused on relationship and connection. That’s not to say that we don’t all have both, but there’s usually a different balance. These differences show up in sexual relationships, too, along with differences in desire level and preferences regarding frequency, time, technique and environment. These differences can often be very positive, and lead to an idea called “polarity” that has to do with the intense attraction that men and women have for each other because of our differences. (He likes to look, she likes to touch and be touched.)
While differences can be exciting and interesting, they can also create challenges and test our patience and understanding. The sexual relationship provides deep intimacy and bonding. But intimacy doesn’t occur without vulnerability and risk, and we are emotionally open in a sexual relationship—open to self-doubt or injury to our pride and our feelings. Remember the old saying about a couple fighting over who squeezes the toothpaste tube in the middle, and who at the end? How much more there is at stake in our differences or disagreements about our sexuality and how we express it (by the way, this is just as true for both men and women).
The most common problem or challenge that couples report is something called “desire discrepancy”. It simply means that, after the first three to six months, we differ in how often we feel sexual and want to express that. Because of hormones, (and perhaps also culture) men tend to have a higher desire level than women. This isn’t always true, though, and our culture can be pretty hard on those men who have a lower level and those women who have a higher one. Of course, there are many, many other situational and transitory variables that can affect desire level at different times in our lives, like children being born, illness, or life stresses both positive and negative. The bottom line is that most partners over time have differences in desire level and this must be negotiated in a respectful and caring way for the relationship to flourish. Most difficulties can be resolved with information and willingness if the relationship is otherwise healthy. Of course, periods of very high stress can always interrupt even the best efforts and confuse the most informed people.
One of the most important areas of focus in resolving differences is communication.
Because our feelings are so strong and so much is at stake, we can easily say or hear words that hurt or are taken very personally. Our wants and needs can end up being expressed as complaints that feel like criticisms (or even sound like them), and this invites the same in return. Words do hurt and very personal attacks are hard to forget or get over. A very powerful way to turn this around is to learn how to state wishes as requests. This sounds simple, but I promise you it is harder than it sounds. And even if we find the right words, our tone of voice or facial expressions can communicate something different. Sometimes it’s uncomfortable even talking about sex. But, learning how is well worth it. Will this solve every problem, or will it work right away? Maybe not. But with time and persistence, great closeness and understanding can occur and discrepancies of all kinds can be managed, and even transformed into opportunities for closeness. Watch out for sentences that begin ”men are so…” or “women are so…”. These are often judgments. It’s far better to ask your partner to help you understand their thoughts, feelings, or wants. Then see if you can accept the idea that differences aren’t bad, they just are. It takes great maturity to accept differences. It also takes great maturity to state clearly our own wants and needs and to ask our partners to understand and respect them.
For more information, I recommend the reference material listed above, in the sidebar.