So you are getting married or you have been married for a long time. Did you look at the instruction booklet? You didn’t get one? Exactly! Marriage is a relationship that is supposed to last a lifetime and help us feel that we have someone who is on our side, is witness to our joys and sorrows and provides unconditional love. Unfortunately that is not something that just happens even for people who really love each other. Marriage takes work on a daily basis.
Dr. John Gottman has done research over the years in what makes some marriages great and some a disappointment or worse to the couple. One of the things he says in a wonderful booklet How to be a Great Listener is “building love and trust involves really listening to our partners, which is not as easy as it sounds. Asking the right questions, empathizing, and making someone feel understood are skills that can dramatically increase intimacy in any relationship.”
Every couple has problems. Building a strong connection helps carry you past the difficult times.
Here are some ideas from Dr. Gottman about staying connected:
- Take time every day to check in with your partner about how they are doing. Find out what their stresses are.
- Don’t give advice unless asked for it.
- Take turn asking your partner what is making them:
- Sad, mad, happy,stressed, etc.
- Repeat back in your own words what you heard so your partner knows you got it right.
Some of Dr. Gottman’s questions to draw out your partner include:
- What are you feeling?
- What do you really wish for?
- Do you think this has affected our relationship? If so, how?
Statements to make to elicit more information:
- Tell me the story of that.
- Help me understand your feelings a little bit more. Say more.
Word to express understanding and empathy:
- You’re making total sense.
- I wish you didn’t have to go through that.
- No wonder you’re upset!
It is important that when it is your turn to talk about yourself that you be honest and open. Don’t keep parts of yourself hidden if you want your partner to share honestly about themselves with you.
These are just a few ideas. There are many other skills that are helpful in having a long-term, happy relationship. If you find that you are not doing as well as you would like, you may think about getting some help from a therapist trained in working with couples. Any marriage may sometimes require a tune-up given the normal stresses of having children, children leaving home, job issues, illness, etc. Asking for help when it is needed is a sign of health.