Your 14-year-old daughter decided to get in shape and wants “to eat healthy.” Although the meals you prepare in your home are pretty well rounded, your daughter’s goal doesn’t sound like a bad one. Cutting out some of the typical teenage foods like pizza and occasional trips out for fast food with friends could be reasonable.
Over a period of months, your daughter’s goals begin to become harder to deal with. More and more foods are eliminated and relegated to the “unhealthy” list. Labels are scanned. Fats are gone. Red meat is the next to go. Your sons are horrified and can’t understand why their sister is suddenly not eating even hamburger in spaghetti sauce. Poultry and fish are no longer OK. Vegetarianism is adopted, and quickly morphs into veganism—no dairy products either. Where’s the protein? Tofu has never been a hit. Irritability and anxiety are the norm at home. Family meals are now like a World War I battleground, complete with trench warfare and toxic gases. You wish for a visit from “Super Nanny,” where a trained professional comes in and takes control.
Above all, you are worried. Your once curvaceous 14-year-old now looks like an exceptionally tall 10-year-old, with long legs and no hips…stick straight. At her checkup, the pediatrician is concerned because she has, in fact, grown 3″ taller but her weight has not increased at all. Has your daughter been following the perfect diet or has something gone terribly awry?
Perfectionism, according to therapist and author, Brene Brown, PhD (2010) is different than a “healthy striving.” Her latest book, The Gifts of Imperfection, describes how striving for the all or nothing, absolute approach to achievement is a defensive, often shame based behavior that can catapult anyone into the cesspool of low mood, anxiety, an inability to take risks, substance abuse and eating disorders.
In her compassionate workbook for parents of teens struggling with an eating disorder, Off the Cuff, Nancy Zucker, PhD (2008) cites two researchers in the field of perfectionism, Gordon Flett and Paul Hewitt. They define perfectionism this way:
Perfectionism is striving for flawlessness. Extreme perfectionists strive for flawlessness in all things.
Eating disorders often involve a quest for the perfect body, the perfect weight, the exact amount of calories, excessive exercise, or exercise linked to calories eaten…the list goes on. The number (on the scale, of calories, exercises) often is unrealistic, unsustainable and idiosyncratic. When one number is attained, a new number is often substituted. There is frequently no end without the professional help of a coordinated team: trained therapist, physician, and registered dietician (see www.kalamazooeatingdisorders.org) to locate professionals in the southwestern Michigan area or the National Eating Disorders Association website (www.nationaleatingdisorders.org) for professionals throughout the country).
After locating help for your child, one of the best things you can do is to address the strands of perfectionism within yourself. In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Brown states that “perfectionism exists on a continuum.” (p. 58) Most of us have these strands woven into our own genetic and social make up. Some of us fall back on perfectionistic tendencies in face of stress or vulnerability. For others, perfectionism is a life style: in Brown’s words, “compulsive, chronic, and debilitating, similar to an addiction.” (p.58)
So, if you are a parent struggling with your own perfectionism, what can you do for yourself and your child?
- Be curious about your own perfectionistic tendencies…like a scientist running an experiment. Notice when a drive for extreme exactness crops up. When does it disappear or weaken? Do you unintentionally project your need for perfection onto your child? Above all, don’t blame and judge yourself for what you’ve done or not done.
- Explore your self talk, your inner dialogue. Are you constantly giving yourself negatives: “I am fat.” “I am stupid.” “I screwed up again.” “I’m never good at that.” “I am not worth it.” Do you find your child making these same statements about herself?
- Practice statements which are both true and helpful. “The scale doesn’t determine my mood.” “I need some more information or help in order to understand this.” “I can learn from my mistakes.” “I can give this a try even though I am uncomfortable.” Affirmations like these are positive and realistic statements that can become valuable software for your child’s internal operating system.
- Stop “shoulding” on yourself, especially when these “shoulds” demand exactness that may be really unnecessary. Usually our “shoulds” are anxiety driven statements that lead us into the wrong direction and away from how we are really feeling and what we really need. Next time you tell yourself, “I should…”ask yourself, what am I feeling? What do I need to do to take care of myself? What is really the priority?
- Practice self-compassion; be kind to yourself.
- Be mindful instead of reactive. The practice of mindfulness originally comes from Buddhist teachings; it involves experiencing your thoughts and feelings, watching them, knowing that they are fleeting and changing all the time. A thought can just be a thought…not necessarily “THE TRUTH.” Act out of deliberate intention vs. knee- jerk reaction. Mindfulness is a practice, and it takes practice. Change doesn’t happen overnight.
- Be human, which is to be imperfect.
- Try new things, take risks. This will involve making mistakes!
- Laugh, especially at yourself.
- Do one thing each day that gives you joy.
One of the best things you can do for your daughter is to be gentler on yourself. Remind yourself that her eating disorder is just part of her. The two of you, along with your team of professionals and family, can join together to help her renourish her body and psyche. Being in contact with other parents who are experiencing the same difficulties can be enormously relieving and helpful at this time. Joining a parent support group, like the Parent and Caregivers Support Group, which meets the second Tuesday night of every month at the Gilmore Center in Forum Room C at Bronson Hospital at 7:00 pm, is a great place to start.
As the eating disorder gradually loosens its hold on your daughter, her perfectionism will probably weaken. Just as you have watched her and guided her through a destructive relationship or negative friendship, the attraction to perfectionism will probably abate. She will learn to watch for its appearance in other areas and practice the art of living with ambiguity and seeing the nuances in life. In perfectionism’s place, new companions will emerge: flexibility, humor, more accurate self-reflection, a desire for variety of food and an appetite for life.