You’ve done your best to make your marriage work and agonized over whether to end it. Finally, you have reached a decision that divorce is the best option. Now comes the part that you have probably dreaded the most: telling your children.
Where to begin
There is no easy way to break the news, but it is helpful to have a plan that addresses what kids need to hear. If at all possible, both you and your spouse should be present to share with your child/children the news of the upcoming separation. If you are unable or choose not to do this together, you might run the risk of the parent who breaks the news being blamed for the divorce. Although it may be difficult, it is crucial to be neutral about each other, avoiding anger and blame as you talk to your children. Regardless of how angry at your spouse you may be, you want your child to feel comfortable maintaining a relationship with each of you.
Talk to your children in your home or some other safe, familiar environment at a time when no one has to rush off to an activity. Kids should have a week or two to adjust to the news before one of their parents moves out. The shorter time may be better for younger children. Typically, it is best to separate soon after you have decided to divorce as the level of tension and conflict in the relationship may escalate and be difficult to contain in a shared house.
Your conversation should be tailored to the age and maturity of the child; generally, younger children will do better with a simple explanation, while older children will want more detail and have many more questions. However, some basic guidelines apply to telling all children from pre-school age up.
Be direct and honest
Your child needs to know that you and your spouse are separating and that there will be some changes in family life. Separation is a better word to use in your initial conversation, since it is the first step in the divorce process and less overwhelming to kids than the word “divorce.” If your child asks if this means that you are getting divorced, though, be honest with her/him. For all practical purposes, preschool and elementary-age children perceive the physical separation of their parents as the beginning of the divorce.
Provide reassurance
Kids need to be reassured that both you and your spouse still love them and will continue to take care of them just as you always have. They also need to know that nothing they did, thought, felt or said caused the separation, and that there is nothing they can do to prevent it or bring you back together. Though it may seem very obvious to adults that a child is not to blame for an adult decision, many children are concerned that they played a role in the difficulties. Hearing parents argue over child-rearing issues, for example, could easily lead a child to believe that she/he is the cause of her parents’ problems.
Let them know what to expect
Children, like all of us, are less likely to be anxious if they know what to expect. Let your kids know with whom they will live, or how their time with be divided between the homes of both parents, during the separation. (If you anticipate a court decision over physical custody, tell your child about the living arrangements “for now.”) Kids also need to know when the non-custodial parent will be moving out and to be reassured that they will have continued contact with him/her. Be as specific as you can be about the visitation arrangements.
Give them permission for their feelings
Let your child know that you understand that he will have many feelings about the separation and that it is okay to have these feelings and to express them. Be available to listen. Kids need reassurance that, though the feelings may be hard to bear, they will be able to get through them with your help and the help of others who love them.
Parents often have difficulty tolerating their kids’ expressions of anger about the divorce because they feel guilty. However, it is important to give your children permission for all feelings. Let your child know that you have heard what she said by reflecting the feelings back and validating them. Be sure your child knows that you understand his wish for you and your spouse to reunite, but be clear that this is not going to happen.
Don’t give too much information
The specifics about the disintegration of your marriage need not be shared with your children, particularly if infidelity or other acts of betrayal occurred. An accurate, simple explanation of why you are separating geared to your child’s developmental level is best. One might tell a seven year old, “We didn’t listen to each other very well. We fought too much in ways that hurt each other and didn’t know how to stop fighting.” As your child matures into young adulthood, you may choose to share more details from your perspective, while owning your role in the demise of the marriage.
Have an ongoing dialogue
Remember that your first conversation with your children about your impending divorce is just the beginning of an ongoing dialogue which should continue throughout their lives, becoming more sophisticated as they mature. Just because your children do not initiate conversation about the divorce, don’t assume they don’t need to talk. Make a point of checking in with them as the days and weeks go by. Reading books about divorce with your children, such as Dinosaurs Divorce or Divorce Happens to the Nicest Kids, can help open up discussion. Leave the books out so that children can leaf through them over and over if need be.
Often, children are not be able to articulate their feelings, so stay tuned into themes in their play or changes in behavior which may reflect struggles to come to terms with the divorce. For instance, your four year-old girl might repeatedly reassure her baby doll that Daddy will come back to see her. You can give her words for the feelings by reflecting what you see in her play. “You baby must be worried that her Daddy will not come back to see her. I wonder if you ever have worries that Daddy will forget to come see you now that he lives in a different house.” Your teenager may simply be glum and angry. Commenting on his nonverbal cues may open up conversation. You might say, “You looked really unhappy when I started talking about having to sell the house. What makes you especially upset about that?”
Be tuned in for signs of difficulty coping
Be sensitive to changes in behavior that might signal difficulty with coping: regression to younger behavior, moodiness, excessive worry, physical symptoms (like stomach aches), sleep problems, falling grades, and acting out behavior (such as anger outbursts, skipping school, substance abuse or promiscuity). Of course, misbehavior requires consequences, but it is crucial to look beneath the behavior to address the underlying feeling as well. While emotional distress in response to divorce is normal in children, prolonged symptoms or serious acting out behavior may be an indicator that outside help is needed.
If you have concerns about whether your child is coping adequately with the separation and divorce, consult with a psychologist or social worker who counsels children or teenagers. Your child may need the additional support of a counseling relationship in which he/she can play out or talk through feelings about the divorce.
Adjusting to a divorce is very stressful for adults and children alike. Given the support they need, however, your children will be able to express their feelings and grieve the loss of the family as they knew it. They, like you, will be able to adapt to the change and move forward with life in a healthy way.
A Few Good Resources
For kids:
- Dinosaurs Divorce by Marc Brown and Laurie Krasny Brown
- The Divorce Helpbook for Teens by Cynthia MacGregor
- Help! A Girl’s Guide to Divorce and Step-families (American Girl Library) by Nancy Holyoke
- My Family’s Changing by Pat Thomas
- Two Homes by Claire Masurel and Kady MacDonald Denton
For adults:
- Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior after a Divorce or Separation by Jann Blackstone-Ford and Sharyl Jupe
- Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way by M. Gary Neuman Mom’ House,
- Dad’s House: Making Two Homes for Your Child by Isolina Ricci
Michelle Klee, Ph.D. is a fully licensed psychologist who has been in practice in Kalamazoo since 1987. She provides counseling to children ages 5 to 12, teenagers and adults.